Saturdays I go running while my daughter and her friend take in a gymnastics class. I'd love to take a gymnastics class myself but they don't offer them (at this place anyways) for adults. Why does the world assume that once you get past twenty-one years you don't want to do anything fun anymore? Where's my rope ladder? Where's my giant foam pit for jumpalacious awesomeness? The rest of the parents sit in the bleachers and pick at their smart phones but I like to get out and run around.
I wait for the class to start and then I go running across the street where a large nature preserve that specializes in conserving water birds is threaded with multi-use trails. The trails have a few bicyclists, mostly families with little kids who are learning and a lot of walkers and the occasional photographer complete with massive lens mounted to his face.
Today I decided to mix things up a little and run as if I were a Massachusetts driver with a SUV.
I cranked up the tunes and swung off along the trail at a good speed. The first person I saw was a young woman with a long mane of tawny hair and an ipod clipped to her belt. Her body was better than mine. I decided that even from the back she looked very smug in her expensive outfit so I tripped her as I went by.
Next I saw a mother out walking with her little boy. She was pointing out some shorebirds to him when I screamed: "I think it's DANGEROUS what you are doing! Taking that boy out here where someone like me could run him over and kill him! It's abuse!"
I continued along, enjoying my speed and the sky and the sight of hundreds of birds taking wing at the same time. A group of senior citizens were clumped across the trail making it impossible for me to continue on at the same speed and trajectory so I ran them all over.
I'm on the way back now and pretty close to finishing my run when I see two people walking hand in hand, periodically leaning towards each other to share a kiss or a fond exchange. As I pass them way too close I lean over and knock the guy's hat off and then I shout "WALK SINGLE FILE, IT'S THE LAW" into their faces, making sure they get hit with a bunch of flying spit.