Wednesday I was bicycling to work alone as my Contraption Captain was at home with a bad cold. Sand Hill Road, never smooth flowing (for cars) at the best of times has slowed down tremendously because of construction at Stanford University. Cars stuck in traffic who peer forward and see a green light they do not have a prayer in Hell of making go a little nuts.
And so it came to be that as I carefully pedaled up the bicycle lane towards work, ever vigilant for cars that might abruptly turn right and run me over that I became aware that I had company. It was a car, awkwardly forcing it's way up the bicycle lane behind me. The other cars were grudgingly making room for it and soon it was immediately on my tail. I considered the driver. His headphones. The vapid expression on his face. I was reminded of just how law-abiding automobiles are and how they were absolutely right to be frustrated with bicyclists who do things like slow down and not stop at stop signs.
But you know what really stuck in my throat? When he finally got by I saw a sticker slapped on to the back of his ugly worthless car:
I'm a vegetarian. One of my least favorite tee-shirts (yes, it does bother me) is the one with the slogan saying: "I Love Animals. They Are Delicious."
The world does not know how many noses I have refrained from breaking upon seeing that stupid tee-shirt. So I saw this guy on the road, behaving like a jerk, behaving in a way that no bicyclist in any circumstances should behave and then I saw that sticker and I thought, "What, you eat them?"
My friends, I think the time to retaliate is upon us. I submit the following for your perusal. Tidy small stickers kept in some convenient location so that we can re-align these cars with their true purpose.
I LOVE BICYCLES. I'VE HIT TW0 ALREADY TODAY.
I LOVE TO PARK IN BIKE LANES! ASK ME WHY!
I NEARLY KILLED A BICYCLIST. YOU CAN TOO.
THE ONLY THING BIGGER THAN MY CAR IS MY ASS.