Monday, October 31, 2011

be careful what you say about yourself. someone might be paying attention.

People who bicycle routinely are noticers by nature.  Like rabbits or deer we need to pay attention to small changes to avoid being run over by the wolves and wild dogs that surround us.  One of the easiest things to notice is the stuff people stick to their cars.

Time to use the way back machine!!  It is the year 1991 and I am a young miscreant person commuting to slavery work in that bicycling armpit of the universe whose name is Massachusetts.  The year is 1991.  Yes Virginia, there were bicycles way back then.  Each day on my way in to the office I rode by a car with the following bumper sticker:


I was earning my dubious keep as a social worker in those days.  I did not like this bumper sticker.  Eventually I updated it to my satisfaction so that it read:


Ahhh.  Now instead of feeling grumpy and annoyed every time I pedaled by I felt happy and peaceful.  And just like the car, the bumper sticker never moved.  You can fix up almost any bumper sticker you want and the drivers of the cars are far too out of it to notice.  Think of the possibilities my friends!

Back to present day California.  Monday through Friday I bicycle up a steep hill that has a nice pedal-person only lane on the side to assist me in my heartfelt pursuit of not having my thoracic cavity collaped by a Cadillac Escalade.  Each goddamn day the lane is blocked by this poo-colored Subaru Outback.  The Outback has two stickers.  One indicates it's support for the Tea Party (those asshats) and one indicating contempt for the idea of health care for poor people.  The house that is attached to this Outback has a three car garage and a giant driveway.  But parking in that driveway wouldn't allow the driver to force bicyclists out into traffic, better to park in the bike lane!

More good news.  The lawn is dotted with signs supporting different political candidates.  ROB SILANO is apparently running for office.  Guess who does not get my vote?  That would be Rob Silano.  I really don't care if he's running opposed by Minnie Mouse, I could never vote for some guy favored by a worthless Tea-Partier who leaves his car in bike lanes.

Next thing I'm at the local Farmer's Market with my husband, my kids, my bicycles, my wagon and I don't have work and life is pretty good.  I'm buying the most kick-ass delicious no-spray carrots in the entire goddamned world and they are just $2 a bag.  I'm feeding my pimiento de Padron pepper habit .  And lookee what I see parked!

It is Rob Silano's SUV!  Or should I say, Rob Silano's fucking huge honking worthless mound of environment stompage?  How do I know it's his vehicle?  It's entirely covered in giant ROB SILANO posters.  One additional reason to be annoyed?  He drives a Yukon.  I hate Yukons.

The Yukon is beautiful un-spoiled wilderness.  Here's a photos in case you have questions.

Rob Silano's SUV is an oil-consuming monster.  Here's a picture of what oil looks like.

So yeah.  He doesn't get my vote.


  1. Wow, what is that poor animal covered in oil?

  2. I think it used to be a Pelican =( He/she was maimed and I assume killed by the BP disaster.