It is not sufficient to say that you did not see us.
I would also like to add that if a bicyclist had hit not just one fourteen year old girl, but had instead somehow managed to collide with two fourteen year old girls (two!) then I fucking guarantee you that one child would not be brain dead and the other in critical condition. So stop putting us in the same box with your huge metal death-dealing behemoths, we do not belong there.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
on screaming loudly
Yesterday I was driving Rapunzel to her weekend gymnastics class. Some families have a first kid to go to college but in our family we lean more towards over-educated than first to school. However. Rapunzel is the first in her family to do a split. The rest of us have not been inspired to flex our bodies into a capital T but we enjoy watching her do her thing.
So I am driving along and ahead there is a red light. I stop. This particular road is a lovely bike ride with a very nice bike lane so it is always covered in a generous layer of weekend bicyclists. I like these folks. I think on weekdays they are the car drivers who are more likely to give me a decent amount of room when they pass. So I am sitting at a red light and there are a few bicyclists waiting also and life is pretty calm.
I am looking around. In the other direction cars are of course stopped also and as I watch a bicyclist hauls ass up to the light, his face twisted into a skewed mask of rage. He pulls up next to a minivan. I arch an eyebrow. I can tell this will be interesting. Inside the minivan I see a soccer mom (Sparkle Pony plays soccer, I know a soccer mom when I see one) tuned out mindlessly eating a slice of pizza (jesus christ lady, pizza? It's barely 11am) and then I see Outraged Bicyclist pound on her window while screaming the immortal words:
What the fuck did you think you were doing? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING! W H A T T H E F U C K !
"I was right" I think to myself smugly. "He's mad."
I can see the woman in the minivan. She glances at the light which resolutely refuses to change. She glances at the bicyclist who is still screaming. I can see the froth bubbling up at the corners of his mouth and the flecks of foam that are starting to dot the glass of her car window. Woman gives bicyclist a blank cow-like look. It is obvious to me that she has no idea why this psychopath is attacking her. She has never seen this guy before in her life.
Which is of course the problem. She did not look and so she did not see the bicyclist a mile or so back. Because of this not seeing she nearly ran him over. In that moment the bicyclist was terrified that he would spend the rest of his life as a quadriplegic being fed Cream of Wheat by his doting but no longer faithful girlfriend. Soccer Mom drove away mildly wondering if there was any more pizza in the box and if eating a last slice would make her fat and meanwhile Bicyclist came after her with his terror converting rapidly into mindless rage.
Now before you car drivers congratulate yourself on never losing your temper Google "road rage" and shut the fuck up. Ok with that done, let's consider losing our tempers, pros and cons. Attentive non-readers may have observed that I came after a big-haired buffoon who came near to taking out my dear husband a week or so back. I am not above using the immense power of my bicycling-enhanced lungs to attempt public humiliation of the automobile class.
Good things about losing your temper and shrieking at the top of your lungs:
1. you go away with the pleasant feeling that you have inflicted a little of the panic/terror that was just recently visited on you.
2. you remind the person in the car that bicyclists are operated by humans with feelings who may take down a license plate numbers if they feel personally threatened.
3. there is a slim chance that the car-driver will wonder why an otherwise ordinary middle-aged mother bicyclist hates him/her and is indicating that she wishes you were dead and cremated.
Bad things about losing your temper and shrieking at the top of your lungs:
1. The driver may get angry and come after you and kill you =(
2. The driver will be confirmed in their opinion that bicyclists are maniacs.
3. The driver will not ever be swayed in their opinion that only cars (who have actual important business to conduct) should be on the road and so the bicyclist just wasted their breath.
What do to do if you are a car being screamed at. Slow down. Say "I am sorry." Say the words with absolute sincerity. Feel free to add "I was lost" or "I should have been more careful" or "I'll do better." This will have an amazingly calming effect on the bicyclist who just had a near death experience. Only if it's true, say something like "I just found out I have cancer and I was distracted." In those instances, the bicyclist will actually apologize to you.
What to do if you are a bicyclist wanting to scream. Remind yourself that you are one of the lucky few, a bicyclist. Cars are to be pitied. Remind yourself that it is pretty common for the drivers of cars to use their vehicles as a weapon. If the driver decides to fire their car at you, a bicyclist, your chances of survival are on par with a person who holds a wooden shield up to a hydrogen bomb.
So in sum, to defuse yourself:
1. be glad you are still alive.
2. feel pity for the jackass who is (a) in a car and (b)a crappy driver who will undoubtedly have many expensive accidents.
3. consider that if the driver gets really angry they may kill you for real this go around.
..and if you must go on the offense?
1. be creative and please please project your voice so that everyone can hear you. move away from classic insults and reach for a personal touch. "Choke on your lipstick you disgusting walrus!" "No wonder your parents put you up for adoption you miserable pinhead!" and "your car is as fucking ugly as you are you worthless whore!"
2. Shout what you would say in person. If they pull over because they couldn't hear you correctly say "I said "You are a disgusting dripping douchebag."
3. be ready to get on the sidewalk if things get hairy.
So I am driving along and ahead there is a red light. I stop. This particular road is a lovely bike ride with a very nice bike lane so it is always covered in a generous layer of weekend bicyclists. I like these folks. I think on weekdays they are the car drivers who are more likely to give me a decent amount of room when they pass. So I am sitting at a red light and there are a few bicyclists waiting also and life is pretty calm.
I am looking around. In the other direction cars are of course stopped also and as I watch a bicyclist hauls ass up to the light, his face twisted into a skewed mask of rage. He pulls up next to a minivan. I arch an eyebrow. I can tell this will be interesting. Inside the minivan I see a soccer mom (Sparkle Pony plays soccer, I know a soccer mom when I see one) tuned out mindlessly eating a slice of pizza (jesus christ lady, pizza? It's barely 11am) and then I see Outraged Bicyclist pound on her window while screaming the immortal words:
What the fuck did you think you were doing? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING! W H A T T H E F U C K !
"I was right" I think to myself smugly. "He's mad."
I can see the woman in the minivan. She glances at the light which resolutely refuses to change. She glances at the bicyclist who is still screaming. I can see the froth bubbling up at the corners of his mouth and the flecks of foam that are starting to dot the glass of her car window. Woman gives bicyclist a blank cow-like look. It is obvious to me that she has no idea why this psychopath is attacking her. She has never seen this guy before in her life.
Which is of course the problem. She did not look and so she did not see the bicyclist a mile or so back. Because of this not seeing she nearly ran him over. In that moment the bicyclist was terrified that he would spend the rest of his life as a quadriplegic being fed Cream of Wheat by his doting but no longer faithful girlfriend. Soccer Mom drove away mildly wondering if there was any more pizza in the box and if eating a last slice would make her fat and meanwhile Bicyclist came after her with his terror converting rapidly into mindless rage.
Now before you car drivers congratulate yourself on never losing your temper Google "road rage" and shut the fuck up. Ok with that done, let's consider losing our tempers, pros and cons. Attentive non-readers may have observed that I came after a big-haired buffoon who came near to taking out my dear husband a week or so back. I am not above using the immense power of my bicycling-enhanced lungs to attempt public humiliation of the automobile class.
Good things about losing your temper and shrieking at the top of your lungs:
1. you go away with the pleasant feeling that you have inflicted a little of the panic/terror that was just recently visited on you.
2. you remind the person in the car that bicyclists are operated by humans with feelings who may take down a license plate numbers if they feel personally threatened.
3. there is a slim chance that the car-driver will wonder why an otherwise ordinary middle-aged mother bicyclist hates him/her and is indicating that she wishes you were dead and cremated.
Bad things about losing your temper and shrieking at the top of your lungs:
1. The driver may get angry and come after you and kill you =(
2. The driver will be confirmed in their opinion that bicyclists are maniacs.
3. The driver will not ever be swayed in their opinion that only cars (who have actual important business to conduct) should be on the road and so the bicyclist just wasted their breath.
What do to do if you are a car being screamed at. Slow down. Say "I am sorry." Say the words with absolute sincerity. Feel free to add "I was lost" or "I should have been more careful" or "I'll do better." This will have an amazingly calming effect on the bicyclist who just had a near death experience. Only if it's true, say something like "I just found out I have cancer and I was distracted." In those instances, the bicyclist will actually apologize to you.
What to do if you are a bicyclist wanting to scream. Remind yourself that you are one of the lucky few, a bicyclist. Cars are to be pitied. Remind yourself that it is pretty common for the drivers of cars to use their vehicles as a weapon. If the driver decides to fire their car at you, a bicyclist, your chances of survival are on par with a person who holds a wooden shield up to a hydrogen bomb.
So in sum, to defuse yourself:
1. be glad you are still alive.
2. feel pity for the jackass who is (a) in a car and (b)a crappy driver who will undoubtedly have many expensive accidents.
3. consider that if the driver gets really angry they may kill you for real this go around.
..and if you must go on the offense?
1. be creative and please please project your voice so that everyone can hear you. move away from classic insults and reach for a personal touch. "Choke on your lipstick you disgusting walrus!" "No wonder your parents put you up for adoption you miserable pinhead!" and "your car is as fucking ugly as you are you worthless whore!"
2. Shout what you would say in person. If they pull over because they couldn't hear you correctly say "I said "You are a disgusting dripping douchebag."
3. be ready to get on the sidewalk if things get hairy.
Friday, November 4, 2011
ok ok one more thing and then I'll be done for the moment
Dear bicyclists who are riding along carrying your bike helmet slung over your handlebar.
What the fuck is your plan? When the car heads towards you to have an accident you're going to put the helmet on your head and close the clasp and then collide with that SUV? Really?
What the fuck? Did Mom tell you to wear your helmet so you brought it along and took it off the moment you were out of her sight?
Well here's a newsflash you goddamned Einstein. Your Mom (we talk all the time) doesn't want to spend the rest of her life spooning baby food into your drooling mouth. She made that scene once with you thanks very much and once was fucking enough.
So. Either grow some and say "No, Mom. I won't wear a helmet. It makes me look dumb and I'm scared I won't get laid." Or just suck it up and wear the fucking helmet.
Thanks.
-Mom
What the fuck is your plan? When the car heads towards you to have an accident you're going to put the helmet on your head and close the clasp and then collide with that SUV? Really?
What the fuck? Did Mom tell you to wear your helmet so you brought it along and took it off the moment you were out of her sight?
Well here's a newsflash you goddamned Einstein. Your Mom (we talk all the time) doesn't want to spend the rest of her life spooning baby food into your drooling mouth. She made that scene once with you thanks very much and once was fucking enough.
So. Either grow some and say "No, Mom. I won't wear a helmet. It makes me look dumb and I'm scared I won't get laid." Or just suck it up and wear the fucking helmet.
Thanks.
-Mom
but I didn't WANT a giant bridge with matching roadblocks
Rapunzel is now in 2nd grade, but when she was in preschool I would bike the two or three miles to her preschool, settle her in to my double-wide Burley wagon, bike ten miles home and collapse face down in the driveway. The trip from work to the preschool was mostly nice, I rode on this cute multi-use bike path (the Stevens Creek Trail) and it was just about a straight shot.
The non straight shot piece involved crossing a busy road. No problem though, there was a light. You pull up, press the button, wait, and then go across the busy road in safety and relative comfort. All was well until the city of Mountain View thought "damn, it's a hassle having to stop for those goddamned bicyclists whenever they push that fucking button" and the city of Mountain View thought "wtf do we do with all this extra money we have? give it to the area schools? lame! No way! what was it that was so annoying, yeah, stopping at that red light was annoying.."
What did the city of Mountain View decide to do? Build a bridge over the highway for bicyclists and pedestrians. I should be overjoyed, right? Yeah well I was not. Overjoyed. I was annoyed. Here's why:
1. We did not have a problem. We had a spot where we whoa'd up and pushed a button and then continued on.
2. The city of Mountain View spent a metric butt ton of money on something I ended up hating. Instead of stopping and pushing a button I had to weave through their bicycle-slower-downer with my big wagon and then pedal up a steep hill and then scream down a hill on the far side and hit the brakes so as not to be trapped in the 2nd bicycle-catcher. It sucked.
3. What did I want? Some paint. There are multiple locations in Mountain View (for me the critical area is in front of the new PJCC on Charleston) where the bicycle lane abruptly ends for about a block and bicyclists become open game for passing automobiles.
What's the moral of the story? Stamp out giant infrastructure projects that drive bicyclists onto tall skinny walkways with gates on either end. Give us our place on the road and stick some paint on it to make it official. It's not the 1800s and we aren't your schizophrenic first wife so stop locking us up in the goddamned attic and forgetting to feed us.
What you give us:
What we want:
The non straight shot piece involved crossing a busy road. No problem though, there was a light. You pull up, press the button, wait, and then go across the busy road in safety and relative comfort. All was well until the city of Mountain View thought "damn, it's a hassle having to stop for those goddamned bicyclists whenever they push that fucking button" and the city of Mountain View thought "wtf do we do with all this extra money we have? give it to the area schools? lame! No way! what was it that was so annoying, yeah, stopping at that red light was annoying.."
What did the city of Mountain View decide to do? Build a bridge over the highway for bicyclists and pedestrians. I should be overjoyed, right? Yeah well I was not. Overjoyed. I was annoyed. Here's why:
1. We did not have a problem. We had a spot where we whoa'd up and pushed a button and then continued on.
2. The city of Mountain View spent a metric butt ton of money on something I ended up hating. Instead of stopping and pushing a button I had to weave through their bicycle-slower-downer with my big wagon and then pedal up a steep hill and then scream down a hill on the far side and hit the brakes so as not to be trapped in the 2nd bicycle-catcher. It sucked.
3. What did I want? Some paint. There are multiple locations in Mountain View (for me the critical area is in front of the new PJCC on Charleston) where the bicycle lane abruptly ends for about a block and bicyclists become open game for passing automobiles.
What's the moral of the story? Stamp out giant infrastructure projects that drive bicyclists onto tall skinny walkways with gates on either end. Give us our place on the road and stick some paint on it to make it official. It's not the 1800s and we aren't your schizophrenic first wife so stop locking us up in the goddamned attic and forgetting to feed us.
What you give us:
What we want:
Thursday, November 3, 2011
because they're beautiful. and you are not.
Today I was on my bike waiting for a red light to turn green so that I could continue on towards work. I checked over the cars around me to see if any of the drivers looked drunk or mentally ill --- usually people on their morning commute are merely hungover but it's always good to be careful. Immediately to my left (I am in a bicycle lane) is a large shiny reddish-brown SUV. It's driver is an artificial appearing blond woman who is earnestly talking on her phone and looking about as self-important as people do when they are ensconced in a giant machine and so busy and in demand that they have to talk even while driving. I notice that the car is a Toyota Sequoia. Sequoia trees are monumentally beautiful.
Nearly twenty years ago I knew this person, Jenny (not her name) who had a lot of problems. She was mentally ill, her diagnosis being schizo-affective which operated then as a bit of a catchall. She was on a huge number of medications. She was tremendously overweight. Her skin was an unhealthy greyish pink. She shuffled along very slowly because her legs were so fat and swollen and despite being relatively young she often needed a walker. She lived with a nominal boyfriend who the social workers agreed was abusive but it was better than the alternative which was a group home except there were no available spots in the area group homes so really the alternative was homelessness. Every now and then Jenny would have these spooky moments of lucidity and attempt suicide. Not the "cry for help" stuff, the "jump off a tall building" stuff.
Jenny's one great passion and pleasure in life was cats, specifically kittens. Cute fuzzy little kittens. She wore this pale pink sweatshirt, very stained, with the print of a soft pretty sleeping kitten on it. Just mentioning the word "cat" would make her squee with delight. So Jenny was squeeing over a picture of a cat one day and I said idly, "What is it about Jenny and cats?" And a co-worker heard me and said "Kittens are little and cute. And she [Jenny] is not."
Back to cars. You can't be alive and not have noticed the naming structure for SUVs.
Tahoe: a beautiful lake and forest in California.
Yukon: a majestic wilderness in Canada.
Acadia: a spectacular national forest in Maine.
So what does any of this have to do with poor Jenny? Jenny loved kittens because they were soft and beautiful and loveable and she was huge and mentally ill...and no one loved her. The Sequoia is one of the most beautiful trees on this planet. They can live for hundreds and even thousands of years. When a Sequoia is struck by lightning it's children rise again in a circle, growing from the parent root system. To stand in a grove of Coastal Redwood trees is to experience a natural cathedral, to experience something timeless and powerful and precious.
Those SUVs get the names that they do because it is a vain grasp towards being beautiful, to being part of something grand and meaningful. The reality of the situation is that no name can change the Toyota Sequioa I saw today (and it's trying too hard faux blond driver) from being just another big ugly SUV that threatens other people on the road and compromises the very tree it is named for. But that doesn't stop the driver from hopelessly wishing that she was a little more. Jenny would understand.
Nearly twenty years ago I knew this person, Jenny (not her name) who had a lot of problems. She was mentally ill, her diagnosis being schizo-affective which operated then as a bit of a catchall. She was on a huge number of medications. She was tremendously overweight. Her skin was an unhealthy greyish pink. She shuffled along very slowly because her legs were so fat and swollen and despite being relatively young she often needed a walker. She lived with a nominal boyfriend who the social workers agreed was abusive but it was better than the alternative which was a group home except there were no available spots in the area group homes so really the alternative was homelessness. Every now and then Jenny would have these spooky moments of lucidity and attempt suicide. Not the "cry for help" stuff, the "jump off a tall building" stuff.
Jenny's one great passion and pleasure in life was cats, specifically kittens. Cute fuzzy little kittens. She wore this pale pink sweatshirt, very stained, with the print of a soft pretty sleeping kitten on it. Just mentioning the word "cat" would make her squee with delight. So Jenny was squeeing over a picture of a cat one day and I said idly, "What is it about Jenny and cats?" And a co-worker heard me and said "Kittens are little and cute. And she [Jenny] is not."
Back to cars. You can't be alive and not have noticed the naming structure for SUVs.
Tahoe: a beautiful lake and forest in California.
Yukon: a majestic wilderness in Canada.
Acadia: a spectacular national forest in Maine.
So what does any of this have to do with poor Jenny? Jenny loved kittens because they were soft and beautiful and loveable and she was huge and mentally ill...and no one loved her. The Sequoia is one of the most beautiful trees on this planet. They can live for hundreds and even thousands of years. When a Sequoia is struck by lightning it's children rise again in a circle, growing from the parent root system. To stand in a grove of Coastal Redwood trees is to experience a natural cathedral, to experience something timeless and powerful and precious.
Those SUVs get the names that they do because it is a vain grasp towards being beautiful, to being part of something grand and meaningful. The reality of the situation is that no name can change the Toyota Sequioa I saw today (and it's trying too hard faux blond driver) from being just another big ugly SUV that threatens other people on the road and compromises the very tree it is named for. But that doesn't stop the driver from hopelessly wishing that she was a little more. Jenny would understand.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Hell froze over.
I have a favorite intersection, don't you? I encounter my favorite intersection on the way home from work, the same route in reverse is not so pleasant. Some intersections are like that: ok one way and the suck in the other. So on the way home I am travelling on Charleston. There are four lanes of cars with a bike lane on the far right. The two lanes on the left side are for people going left. I go left so that is where I want to be.
What I love: getting in my lane and waiting for the light with cars in front and behind. The light turns and the cars start rolling forward. I am right with them. They accelerate. I accelerate! We're all hoping to make it to that green left arrow before it turns amber and red. I can pace cars travelling like this, I've hit that intersection at 26mph with cars fore and aft. I love it. I feel fast then, and as if I have a place in the pack. It is love. And the cars which try and cut me off can't do it because I am sandwiched between a Toyota 4Runner and a something or another Tundra. Haha on them!
Here's the annoying thing. The other bicyclists spot the red light and then ride in the bike lane to the very front. Then they waddle their bicycles over and put themselves in the left turn lane in front of everyone else. Then the light turns and they slowly waddle through the intersection fucking things up for the rest of us.
But here's what happened yesterday! I was waiting in line and a bicyclist approached. Instead of cutting everyone off and going to the front he fell in beside me as if it was the most normal thing ever. I goggled. I said "It's pretty cool you took a place in line. Most bicyclists push their way to the front."
The bicyclist looked over at me with an expression that said "I hope you are not a sociopath." He must have decided that I was ok because he smiled and said pleasantly (with a slight accent) "But that would be cheating."
I beamed.
We went on to discuss how if you lane split to the front, you find yourself on the far right which is the lane for people getting on the highway, how it is far better to be in the 2nd from the left lane and in line because then you are in the lane for people going straight which of course is what we want because the on the far right is the on-ramp for interstate 101, the 101 being notoriously unfriendly to bicyclists and the cars getting on the 101 being notoriously unfriendly to bicycles crossing in front.
I don't often meet a kindred spirit on the road!
We both cleared the intersection when the light turned green!
What I love: getting in my lane and waiting for the light with cars in front and behind. The light turns and the cars start rolling forward. I am right with them. They accelerate. I accelerate! We're all hoping to make it to that green left arrow before it turns amber and red. I can pace cars travelling like this, I've hit that intersection at 26mph with cars fore and aft. I love it. I feel fast then, and as if I have a place in the pack. It is love. And the cars which try and cut me off can't do it because I am sandwiched between a Toyota 4Runner and a something or another Tundra. Haha on them!
Here's the annoying thing. The other bicyclists spot the red light and then ride in the bike lane to the very front. Then they waddle their bicycles over and put themselves in the left turn lane in front of everyone else. Then the light turns and they slowly waddle through the intersection fucking things up for the rest of us.
But here's what happened yesterday! I was waiting in line and a bicyclist approached. Instead of cutting everyone off and going to the front he fell in beside me as if it was the most normal thing ever. I goggled. I said "It's pretty cool you took a place in line. Most bicyclists push their way to the front."
The bicyclist looked over at me with an expression that said "I hope you are not a sociopath." He must have decided that I was ok because he smiled and said pleasantly (with a slight accent) "But that would be cheating."
I beamed.
We went on to discuss how if you lane split to the front, you find yourself on the far right which is the lane for people getting on the highway, how it is far better to be in the 2nd from the left lane and in line because then you are in the lane for people going straight which of course is what we want because the on the far right is the on-ramp for interstate 101, the 101 being notoriously unfriendly to bicyclists and the cars getting on the 101 being notoriously unfriendly to bicycles crossing in front.
I don't often meet a kindred spirit on the road!
We both cleared the intersection when the light turned green!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
actually. just a nice day.
I woke up this am feeling super rough, probably ate too much candy last night or something - yesterday being Halloween.
How do bicyclists do Halloween? They get together a bunch of little kids and load them into a giant tricycle illuminated with individually programmable LED lights, woo-hoo! In Black Rock City a giant tricycle covered in lights is not all that unusual a sight, but in California proper it still has a little bit of cachet. We pedaled that big pretty thing down to the area party street and then parked it and trick-or-treated until we were ready to fall over.
This morning it was back to our more regular rides but the weather was beautiful and my mood was more than usually calm and no one made an overt attempt to run me over. I love the reminders that the giant vehicles bring of just how much fun pedaling can be, that it is not just a way to get from town to town but a way to experience life.
How do bicyclists do Halloween? They get together a bunch of little kids and load them into a giant tricycle illuminated with individually programmable LED lights, woo-hoo! In Black Rock City a giant tricycle covered in lights is not all that unusual a sight, but in California proper it still has a little bit of cachet. We pedaled that big pretty thing down to the area party street and then parked it and trick-or-treated until we were ready to fall over.
This morning it was back to our more regular rides but the weather was beautiful and my mood was more than usually calm and no one made an overt attempt to run me over. I love the reminders that the giant vehicles bring of just how much fun pedaling can be, that it is not just a way to get from town to town but a way to experience life.
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